Post by Jerry West on Jan 17, 2021 16:17:29 GMT
It's December 2nd 2020, and I'm about to leave work when my boss stops me.
- Hey, you've been doing a great job lately. Here's a ticket for the Suns game later tonight on me, enjoy it.
I thank him for recognizing my hard work and for the nice gesture. I know he is cousins with Suns owner Robert Sarver and probably gets it for free, but I'm not complaining, I guess working at Amazon isn't that bad.
I get home from more work, take my shoes off and say hi to my wife.
- How was work sweetie?
- The usual, but my boss was nice enough to give me a ticket for tonight's game.
- The Diamondbacks? That's great! I know they are near the bottom of the league, but they still win some games so you can some fun there!
- No, it's a ticket for the Suns game.
- Oh... Are you going anyway?
- I don't know, feels like more work than anything.
- C’mon honey, you used to love basketball. You always told me stories about going to the games with your dad.
- I know, but that was so many years ago, it's been 8 seasons since they won a playoff game, and they still haven't won a series since the league for some reason changed name from NBA to Dynasty5ive? I mean what is that even supposed to mean? Who even came up with that name?
- Honey please don't start this again. We've been through this with your phycologist.
- I'm sorry, I'll think about going to the game ok? Just let me sit down and watch some TV right now.
My wife kisses me and says she's going to pick up the kids from school today. I turn the TV on a desperate attempt to find something to make my think about something else other than the name change.
"In another day in a reality where there's no worldwide pandemic, here's another speech from our president Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson."
"More TV drama about celebrities"
"Sports channel slandering young player for minor off-court issue"
Every day it's the same thing, maybe I should go the game just to break routine.
I arrive to the arena, and give my ticket to the security man, he points me towards an entrance and reminds me about front-row seats rules. I didn't realize yet that they were front row seats, I guess this is just one of my bosses regular season tickets. I'm kinda happy I came now.
I walk up to my sit and sit down, before anything I check my phone to see how the team is doing in the standings. 0-12. Not good, but hey, they are playing the 2-15 Denver Nuggets today, maybe there's a chance we can the game.
The players are still warming up, I can't take my eyes away from Jimmer Fredette who for some reason refuses to shoot closer than 30 feet from the basket even tho he doesn't make a single shot. For some reason there's no coach next to him, they just ignore him. The star of the team Caris Levert is not playing tonight, maybe if he was playing we could already have a win this year. Finally, two people come up and sit next to me. There's 10 minutes before the game and the arena it's still pretty much empty. Their faces don't look weird to me, but I would feel about bothering them, they are probably a TV show star or something.
It's time for the starting lineup.
First at guard it's Jimmer Fredette and Jordan Poole, a former college star and a player I've never heard from. At forwards we have Terrence Ferguson, who probably shouldn't be playing in a professional basketball league and Cameron Johnson, who's probably our best player when Caris Levert is out, he played 50 minutes the entirety of last season. And finally, at Center, Mo Bamba, our little own Kwame Brown. The crowd goes mild. I'm pretty sure they cheered more for Denver than for Phoenix, and I can't believe Tim Hardway Jr is the best player in an NBA game, the 90's were the good years of basketball.
The ball is tipped and the game is on, Denver takes an early lead behind Dwayne Bacon who looks like an All-star next to our players. Why did I come to this game?
The first quarter is coming to and end when one of the people next to me taps me on the shoulder.
- Hey, want to trade the gum you are chewing for this brand-new phone?
My mind it's still trying to process what is happening when I heard the person next to him whispering to me "just go with it". I say yeah sure as he hands the phone still in the box and proceeds to put the gum in his mouth before spitting it to a piece of paper 5 seconds later. I've never been so disgusted in my entire life, my eyes are bleeding from horror and I'm starting to wonder where I went wrong. I turn to him and ask:
- I'm sorry, do I know you from somewhere?
- Ahah, don't worry, you probably do. I'm Amare Stoudemire , the Sacramento Kings GM.
My mind goes even farther to a state of shock, I don't know if I should either look at him or the game, my eyes just want to close themselves and find a way out of the arena fast but that would be just rude.
- Nice to meet you Amare, can I ask what are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm just here to do some trading with Jared Montini , I do love trading! I just traded my 1st round pick for my friend's Ian Noble 2nd round pick.
Wait, that's league commissioner Ian Noble , is there some sort of General Managers gathering in Phoenix?
- I got to head out and go find Jared Montini , you guys have fun watching the game.
Before I can say anything he leaves and starts sprinting towards the box area upstairs. As I look upstairs, I see Suns owner Sarver next to GM Jared Montini , who for some reason is celebrating everytime Denver scores. I turn around to Ian Noble and ask:
- Hey, are you ok with that?
- Sure why not? Let them have their fun, more wins for my Celtics and me. Blody hell or whatever British people say.
He laughs and goes back to his writing.
- What are you writing?
- Well, if you must know I came here to write the article for ETOY, since a franchise in this state gives me some inspiration to write about good ones. I just happened to come across Amare Stoudemire and offer him a very fair trade proposal which by chance he accepted, very good man.
I was out of words at his honesty, so I just told him how cool it was to meet him but that I didn't want to be a douche and ask him for photos or anything, to which he said:
- Oh like you're doing now?
I was taken aback and I could say was "huh?", but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I turned away and started focusing on the game again, and I heard him chuckle as I turned around.
Later when someone came with food and beverages to sell I saw him trying to grab a beer without paying.
The girl was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back to her. When she was about to give him his change he stopped her and told her to pay him in pennies “to prevent the government contropulation,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. What a weirdo.
It's halftime, and I need to go to the bathroom, the score doesn't even matter.
As I enter a bathroom stall I overhear a conversation outside.
- Look Jared Montini , how am I going to get the city to pay for our new arena if we keep losing games?
- I know ok, but it's a long-term thing you know, as soon as I get a good draft pick and the guy that I want we'll start winning more games!
- Oh so like what happened with Mo Bamba?
- Yes! Wait, I mean no! Look, if we have the worst record we are guaranteed to have the first pick and then we can draft Cade Cunnhingam, and there's no way he flops as well right?
- Look Jared Montini , you are on thin ice, and the only reason you aren't fired yet it's because next year I'll barely have to pay a dime for this team. Just change something and make sure we win some games.
- I know you could do. Do you remember the old Wizards GM? Tracy McGrady ? Well, I was thinking that we could hire...
They finally leave the bathroom while the conversation is still going, thank God they didn't notice I was here, that would have been awkward. As I'm leaving the bathroom, stall the door next to mine also opens.
- Hey, you, come here.
I look it inside and it's former Sixers GM, Sam Hinkie sitting down in a toilet with a computer in his lap.
- Do me a favour and grab me some toilet paper, I have none here.
Sure, he didn't need to open the door for that but whatever, as I find and hand him toilet paper he continues:
- They don't get it, that's not how tanking works, players are assets too, but if you can't create value for them you can't trade them for more draft picks, not to mention, taking project players who are going higher than they should, what up with that? Always take the best player available, no matter what...
I'll tell him I need to go and shut the door before he can continue having this strange conversation on a bathroom stall with a man without pants. As I'm leaving he screams "Remember, every pick has value!". What a weird day, I need a drink, I head to the bar after the 2nd half already started, there's just one person there who clearly doesn't look ok. I approach him.
- Are you ok sir?
- Get out of here fool, don't you have a game to watch?
It's Denver Nuggets GM Alex English , and he's clearly had one to many drinks.
- You think the Dynasty5ive is fun, but what do you know about Basketball? There's no hope. You'll never win anything, life is meaningless, what's the point of trying? Basketball just drains away all your hopes and dreams without giving you anything in return, even if you are the best at it.
Is there a place in this arena without creepy people? I grab myself a beer and a hot dog for 20 dollars, expensive but given that I didn't pay for a ticket I guess it's ok, do they even want fans at this game? I sit down in a table by myself when another figure approaches me. It's the Portland TrailBlazers GM Jerry West . He gets close to my hear and whispers "every player on that court is trash" and immediatly leaves. I guess I'm just imagining things now, maybe this all a dream? Wait the 4th quarter is starting, I should head back to game. I should head back to the game.
On my way to the seats I see some guy crying in the corner looking at his phone, I couldn't bother to approach him, at first I thought a family member might have died the way he was crying but then I heard from his phone a ESPN report, something about Jaren Jackson Jr. not having a timetable to return yet, so it's just another weirdo in this arena. I finally get to my seat just in time to watch the final play of the game, the game went by real quickly, but I guess that's what happens when teams don't asks for timeouts and companies don't want to run ads during the game because nobody is watching.
The crowd is completely silent (mostly because there's around 200 people left in the arena), it's the last play of the game.
Clock winds down to 5 seconds left in game and the ball is inbounded to Mo Bamba who turns face to face against Dwayne Bacon.
- They drafted Sekou!
Moves to the left.
- They drafted RJ Hampton!
Moves to the right.
- They can't surround me with any talent!
Clock winds down to 2.
- I can't move teams until my contract expires, but I can do this for me, FOR MY FAMILY!
Goes up for the shot as "Mo Bamba" starts playing in the background.
- BAMBARUKEN!
The ball flies over Bacon's head, goes straight into basket. Bamba falls to the ground, exhausted.
- LeVert... Senpai... I...
He faints, final score: Nuggets 103 - Suns 63. Finally, I get to go home.
As I'm leaving the arena I see someone handing flyers with Seth Curry face on it, I grab one, I'll just throw in the trash anyway, don't want to talk to anyone else today, but he just keeps yelling on repeat to his megaphone: "Seth Curry ain't no spot up shooter, he ain't gotta run to the corner to shoot like he's some 3rd option bitch this ain't JJ Redick this is a fuckin god human Steph Curry come again only this time he's not a fuckin pussy pull up from the fuckin logo and fight you at the same time".
When I get home my wife tells me the kids are asleep and if I want to have some alone time together, I apologize to her and tell her I'm tired and need to get some sleep, she looks at me confused to why someone who just came off a D5 game would feel like that, but decides not to ask me anything. I grab myself a bottle of whiskey and go upstairs to the bedroom. On the way to the bed I see a photo from my dad and I can't contain my tears, I tell him I miss him, but that at least I'm happy he doesn't have to be here to watch this Suns team, as I finally am able to cry myself to sleep.
- Hey, you've been doing a great job lately. Here's a ticket for the Suns game later tonight on me, enjoy it.
I thank him for recognizing my hard work and for the nice gesture. I know he is cousins with Suns owner Robert Sarver and probably gets it for free, but I'm not complaining, I guess working at Amazon isn't that bad.
I get home from more work, take my shoes off and say hi to my wife.
- How was work sweetie?
- The usual, but my boss was nice enough to give me a ticket for tonight's game.
- The Diamondbacks? That's great! I know they are near the bottom of the league, but they still win some games so you can some fun there!
- No, it's a ticket for the Suns game.
- Oh... Are you going anyway?
- I don't know, feels like more work than anything.
- C’mon honey, you used to love basketball. You always told me stories about going to the games with your dad.
- I know, but that was so many years ago, it's been 8 seasons since they won a playoff game, and they still haven't won a series since the league for some reason changed name from NBA to Dynasty5ive? I mean what is that even supposed to mean? Who even came up with that name?
- Honey please don't start this again. We've been through this with your phycologist.
- I'm sorry, I'll think about going to the game ok? Just let me sit down and watch some TV right now.
My wife kisses me and says she's going to pick up the kids from school today. I turn the TV on a desperate attempt to find something to make my think about something else other than the name change.
"In another day in a reality where there's no worldwide pandemic, here's another speech from our president Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson."
"More TV drama about celebrities"
"Sports channel slandering young player for minor off-court issue"
Every day it's the same thing, maybe I should go the game just to break routine.
I arrive to the arena, and give my ticket to the security man, he points me towards an entrance and reminds me about front-row seats rules. I didn't realize yet that they were front row seats, I guess this is just one of my bosses regular season tickets. I'm kinda happy I came now.
I walk up to my sit and sit down, before anything I check my phone to see how the team is doing in the standings. 0-12. Not good, but hey, they are playing the 2-15 Denver Nuggets today, maybe there's a chance we can the game.
The players are still warming up, I can't take my eyes away from Jimmer Fredette who for some reason refuses to shoot closer than 30 feet from the basket even tho he doesn't make a single shot. For some reason there's no coach next to him, they just ignore him. The star of the team Caris Levert is not playing tonight, maybe if he was playing we could already have a win this year. Finally, two people come up and sit next to me. There's 10 minutes before the game and the arena it's still pretty much empty. Their faces don't look weird to me, but I would feel about bothering them, they are probably a TV show star or something.
It's time for the starting lineup.
First at guard it's Jimmer Fredette and Jordan Poole, a former college star and a player I've never heard from. At forwards we have Terrence Ferguson, who probably shouldn't be playing in a professional basketball league and Cameron Johnson, who's probably our best player when Caris Levert is out, he played 50 minutes the entirety of last season. And finally, at Center, Mo Bamba, our little own Kwame Brown. The crowd goes mild. I'm pretty sure they cheered more for Denver than for Phoenix, and I can't believe Tim Hardway Jr is the best player in an NBA game, the 90's were the good years of basketball.
The ball is tipped and the game is on, Denver takes an early lead behind Dwayne Bacon who looks like an All-star next to our players. Why did I come to this game?
The first quarter is coming to and end when one of the people next to me taps me on the shoulder.
- Hey, want to trade the gum you are chewing for this brand-new phone?
My mind it's still trying to process what is happening when I heard the person next to him whispering to me "just go with it". I say yeah sure as he hands the phone still in the box and proceeds to put the gum in his mouth before spitting it to a piece of paper 5 seconds later. I've never been so disgusted in my entire life, my eyes are bleeding from horror and I'm starting to wonder where I went wrong. I turn to him and ask:
- I'm sorry, do I know you from somewhere?
- Ahah, don't worry, you probably do. I'm Amare Stoudemire , the Sacramento Kings GM.
My mind goes even farther to a state of shock, I don't know if I should either look at him or the game, my eyes just want to close themselves and find a way out of the arena fast but that would be just rude.
- Nice to meet you Amare, can I ask what are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm just here to do some trading with Jared Montini , I do love trading! I just traded my 1st round pick for my friend's Ian Noble 2nd round pick.
Wait, that's league commissioner Ian Noble , is there some sort of General Managers gathering in Phoenix?
- I got to head out and go find Jared Montini , you guys have fun watching the game.
Before I can say anything he leaves and starts sprinting towards the box area upstairs. As I look upstairs, I see Suns owner Sarver next to GM Jared Montini , who for some reason is celebrating everytime Denver scores. I turn around to Ian Noble and ask:
- Hey, are you ok with that?
- Sure why not? Let them have their fun, more wins for my Celtics and me. Blody hell or whatever British people say.
He laughs and goes back to his writing.
- What are you writing?
- Well, if you must know I came here to write the article for ETOY, since a franchise in this state gives me some inspiration to write about good ones. I just happened to come across Amare Stoudemire and offer him a very fair trade proposal which by chance he accepted, very good man.
I was out of words at his honesty, so I just told him how cool it was to meet him but that I didn't want to be a douche and ask him for photos or anything, to which he said:
- Oh like you're doing now?
I was taken aback and I could say was "huh?", but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I turned away and started focusing on the game again, and I heard him chuckle as I turned around.
Later when someone came with food and beverages to sell I saw him trying to grab a beer without paying.
The girl was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back to her. When she was about to give him his change he stopped her and told her to pay him in pennies “to prevent the government contropulation,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. What a weirdo.
It's halftime, and I need to go to the bathroom, the score doesn't even matter.
As I enter a bathroom stall I overhear a conversation outside.
- Look Jared Montini , how am I going to get the city to pay for our new arena if we keep losing games?
- I know ok, but it's a long-term thing you know, as soon as I get a good draft pick and the guy that I want we'll start winning more games!
- Oh so like what happened with Mo Bamba?
- Yes! Wait, I mean no! Look, if we have the worst record we are guaranteed to have the first pick and then we can draft Cade Cunnhingam, and there's no way he flops as well right?
- Look Jared Montini , you are on thin ice, and the only reason you aren't fired yet it's because next year I'll barely have to pay a dime for this team. Just change something and make sure we win some games.
- I know you could do. Do you remember the old Wizards GM? Tracy McGrady ? Well, I was thinking that we could hire...
They finally leave the bathroom while the conversation is still going, thank God they didn't notice I was here, that would have been awkward. As I'm leaving the bathroom, stall the door next to mine also opens.
- Hey, you, come here.
I look it inside and it's former Sixers GM, Sam Hinkie sitting down in a toilet with a computer in his lap.
- Do me a favour and grab me some toilet paper, I have none here.
Sure, he didn't need to open the door for that but whatever, as I find and hand him toilet paper he continues:
- They don't get it, that's not how tanking works, players are assets too, but if you can't create value for them you can't trade them for more draft picks, not to mention, taking project players who are going higher than they should, what up with that? Always take the best player available, no matter what...
I'll tell him I need to go and shut the door before he can continue having this strange conversation on a bathroom stall with a man without pants. As I'm leaving he screams "Remember, every pick has value!". What a weird day, I need a drink, I head to the bar after the 2nd half already started, there's just one person there who clearly doesn't look ok. I approach him.
- Are you ok sir?
- Get out of here fool, don't you have a game to watch?
It's Denver Nuggets GM Alex English , and he's clearly had one to many drinks.
- You think the Dynasty5ive is fun, but what do you know about Basketball? There's no hope. You'll never win anything, life is meaningless, what's the point of trying? Basketball just drains away all your hopes and dreams without giving you anything in return, even if you are the best at it.
Is there a place in this arena without creepy people? I grab myself a beer and a hot dog for 20 dollars, expensive but given that I didn't pay for a ticket I guess it's ok, do they even want fans at this game? I sit down in a table by myself when another figure approaches me. It's the Portland TrailBlazers GM Jerry West . He gets close to my hear and whispers "every player on that court is trash" and immediatly leaves. I guess I'm just imagining things now, maybe this all a dream? Wait the 4th quarter is starting, I should head back to game. I should head back to the game.
On my way to the seats I see some guy crying in the corner looking at his phone, I couldn't bother to approach him, at first I thought a family member might have died the way he was crying but then I heard from his phone a ESPN report, something about Jaren Jackson Jr. not having a timetable to return yet, so it's just another weirdo in this arena. I finally get to my seat just in time to watch the final play of the game, the game went by real quickly, but I guess that's what happens when teams don't asks for timeouts and companies don't want to run ads during the game because nobody is watching.
The crowd is completely silent (mostly because there's around 200 people left in the arena), it's the last play of the game.
Clock winds down to 5 seconds left in game and the ball is inbounded to Mo Bamba who turns face to face against Dwayne Bacon.
- They drafted Sekou!
Moves to the left.
- They drafted RJ Hampton!
Moves to the right.
- They can't surround me with any talent!
Clock winds down to 2.
- I can't move teams until my contract expires, but I can do this for me, FOR MY FAMILY!
Goes up for the shot as "Mo Bamba" starts playing in the background.
- BAMBARUKEN!
The ball flies over Bacon's head, goes straight into basket. Bamba falls to the ground, exhausted.
- LeVert... Senpai... I...
He faints, final score: Nuggets 103 - Suns 63. Finally, I get to go home.
As I'm leaving the arena I see someone handing flyers with Seth Curry face on it, I grab one, I'll just throw in the trash anyway, don't want to talk to anyone else today, but he just keeps yelling on repeat to his megaphone: "Seth Curry ain't no spot up shooter, he ain't gotta run to the corner to shoot like he's some 3rd option bitch this ain't JJ Redick this is a fuckin god human Steph Curry come again only this time he's not a fuckin pussy pull up from the fuckin logo and fight you at the same time".
When I get home my wife tells me the kids are asleep and if I want to have some alone time together, I apologize to her and tell her I'm tired and need to get some sleep, she looks at me confused to why someone who just came off a D5 game would feel like that, but decides not to ask me anything. I grab myself a bottle of whiskey and go upstairs to the bedroom. On the way to the bed I see a photo from my dad and I can't contain my tears, I tell him I miss him, but that at least I'm happy he doesn't have to be here to watch this Suns team, as I finally am able to cry myself to sleep.