Post by Andrei Kirilenko on Jun 7, 2019 11:46:05 GMT
2019 Off-Season Free Agency Safari
The Big Game Hunters
These teams are on the hunt for big free agents, with giant ass weaponry, some dope jeeps with big tires, and even a local guide who knows all the major watering holes. If anyone is going to land a prize kill, it's probably going to be one of these teams.
Boston Celtics
Brooklyn Nets
Memphis Grizzlies
Brooklyn Nets
Memphis Grizzlies
The Wildlife Conservationists
These teams are those local farmers you hear about going out into the jungle with slingshots and poison darts trying to ward off poachers. They don't have any dope weapons and will probably die of starvation or malaria before long. If they are lucky though, they might just protect 1 or 2 of their endangered wildlife species.
Cleveland Cavaliers
New York Knicks
Oklahoma City Thunder
The Trophy Hunters
These teams hire jeeps every year so they can ride around and fire off shots at random, with no real reason to go hunting other than to put another severed head on their mantelpiece. They never really hit any big targets, but are great at unloading loads of ammunition into some of the slower, more mediocre animals.
LA Lakers
Philadelphia 76ers
Philadelphia 76ers
The Facebook Philanthropist
These teams are rich and could easily buy weapons and a jeep like the trophy hunters, but instead will probably spend their summers wagging their fingers aggressively and posting on facebook about how it's unethical to kill animals for sport. Until next year when they decide Big Game Hunting isn't so bad after all.
Atlanta Hawks
New Orleans Pelicans
Utah Jazz
Atlanta Hawks
New Orleans Pelicans
Utah Jazz
A local guide, super hard to kill as he has poison darts
Joel Embiid
The Black Rhino (super endangered)
Paul George
Some sort of endangered tiger or something
Pascal Siakam
The Water Buffalo (probably will be killed by a trophy hunter)
Draymond Green
Herd of Elephants with decent size ivory tusks
Jusuf Nurkic
Aaron Gordon
Julius Randle
Gary Harris
Zach LaVine